She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
