that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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