she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
