then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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