so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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