He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
