Michael Bay diarrhea
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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