somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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