His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
