So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
