walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
