just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
