He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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