oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
