sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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