history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
