WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i think i have two assholes
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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