who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
