P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
