All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
