My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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