We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
