I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
