My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
