it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
