The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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