I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
