so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
