We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
