Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
