I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
