I think I won the penis lottery.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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