Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
