he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
