Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
