i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
