Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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