Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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