my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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