Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
