her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
