You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
