You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
