About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
