Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
