susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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