You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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