awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
