Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
