i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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