filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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